Friday, December 21, 2012

Last minute End of the World Advice

Are we too late for this post? Or, does the end come later this afternoon?

by Clifford F. Thies

On the chance that some of you did not take our advice and prepare, in advance, for the end of the world, we now offer some absolutely last minute advice:
1.A Can Opener - if all you can do is put one lousy thing into a pocket before the end of the world event, make it a can opener. Then, if you should be lucky enough to survive the global shock wave, the tsunami, the shift of the polar axis, the movement of the tectonic plates and the worldwide EMT, you'll be able to "forage" from all the canned goods in the suddenly depopulated urban areas.

2.First check the kitchen utensils aisle at your grocery store - if you notice there are still come can openers there, you'll know you are one of only a few survivors in your area (because not everybody will have put a can opener into a pocket). If your grocery store is out of can openers, you'll have a lot of competition for food.

3.Fat People - It's o.k. to allow a fat person into your survival shelter or whatever, to try to withstand the tumult of the end of the world event or events. This is because it's impossible to outrun the zombies that will be coming after you when you are forced to re-enter the outside world. But, you won't have to outrun the zombies. You only have to outrun the fat person.

4.Want to re-populate the world? - best "pick-up line" of the Post-Apocalypse Era.

5."i before e" etc. - When the human race has a chance to start all over again, we can finally put an end to all the craziness in the English language such as "i before e except after c" and so forth. Simplify the English language. Also, go metric.

6.Medical marijuana - Marijuana is not actually medicine. We just say it is to not get busted. So, if you get sick or injured in the Post-Apocalypse Era, you may be out of luck.

7.An interesting thing to do in the Post-Apocalyse Era is find out if any of your Christian friends were raptured.

8.Commit to memory the location of the nearest battleship museum. For example, the USS Alabama, in Mobile; and, the USS New Jersey, in Camden. With all that steel, battleships are the most likely thing to survive the end of the world event or events. And, they're natural gathering places for red-blooded Americans.

9.Board Games. With no electricity, board games are sure to make a comeback. Buy a few shares of Parker Brothers stock.

10.Finally, last but not least, do not, I repeat, do not violate the prime directive.
Dr. Thies is a professor of economics at Shenandoah Univ. in VA.

1 comment:

Brian said...

It's too early to give up.